SAD

(credits: deviant art)

I just cannot go to bed no matter how hard I tried to.

It's been days since it's been like this.

When will I ever get a peaceful sweet dreams at night?

I will only get to sleep when dawn comes.

Does it take a pretty look, a nice skin, great figure, thick wallet just to be happy and be accepted?

Many would say, NO.

Yes, I know myself the answer would be no but...

I don't understand why my cousins have been contacting each other.

Spending time, sharing things in common and exchanging their life story.

Is it because of my family background?

I wish I know the answer.

I felt so distant away from them and every time we have family gatherings, I am left clueless with what they are talking about.

Nak kene ade blackberry, iPhone, duit to travel, experience travelling to Aussie & NZ before, car, looks, "happening" own family, baru boleh be part of the social circle ke? (eventhough we're family)

Well, it seems to be that way though...

I admit I do not come from the family who always can make time for every outing.

We do not own a family car; just a company car. Thus making us a lot more difficult to travel around.

But that does not mean we should be opted out from family outing by not being inform and such.

(Yelahhhh..time susah, perlukan kereta untuk tumpang, baru nak carikkk. Kereta company nie jugak lah yang angkut wahai kaum keluarga yg perlukan tumpangan dikala waktu susah..)

I admit I do not come from a far near wealthy family nor happy living family.

I have to earn to provide myself and I have to study to assure a bright future for myself.

I have to learn to juggle between both and make own decisions in life.

Students complain over getting only $10 per day for school, they complain of not getting much allowances for the month for their entertainment and shopping needs.

I simply do not understand why. Ain't they supposed to be thankful instead?

Try being in my shoe whereby you have to support yourself for you to lead a life.

I have to work, if not, do you think I can go out and eat with friends or even change into new clothes.

Or even pay up my mobile bills and transportation fees.

And oh even my driving fees which I spent like 4-digit numbers $$ on it.

I do not even talk to my dad everyday.

I do not even go out with family.

The best part of the year is, Hari Raya.

Because that is when we put up our smile and go visiting as a family.

But are all our smile sincere? Maybe. 

Cos that is the only day we are together. Like macam reunion.

Now that my brother is married, I only get to meet him fortnightly?

On other days, I became a single child at home living with mum in a 5-room HDB flat.

Sometimes I could even hear echo in the house because it is too peaceful.

And this peacefulness does not assure happiness at home.

This silence means empty.

Checking cousins fb, twitter, livejournal, blogs and...vavavooom!!

They are all inter-connected with one another.

Some even have their own good spending time on certain days.

And I know nuts about it, simply said was not even invited.

This Saturday is Nenek's surprise birthday party cum family gathering at ecp.

Guess I am just going to stay low and humble and talk when I need to.

Because I do not have much to offer them.

Especially when I know their topics going to be the next Europe trip, their BB/iPhone, cars, shopping (F21, Zara, onlineshop), great partner life/bfs or topics which I will get lost such as (ehhh..you know siket hari yg kite pegi yadayadayada..or..maybe we should do it again or go out again uhhh..) yes, only they know what they are talking about.

The only thing I can offer to them is my heart, because I love them and that is why I keep track about their lives silently through virtual social webs because I care.

Even my boyfriend lead a good life with such great companions with many siblings he have.

Plus very nice parents who work together day in day out to earn from their business.

Not only that, a family who have strong pillar in religious matters. I adore them.

And no doubt, I believe a strong religion in a family do help to assure a certain happiness within a family.

Unlike mine:(

Well, boyfriend is even blessed to have such great-great-great cousins.

Yes, I simply cannot describe how great they just are.

They spent so much time together. Not sharing about personal life..

But for the very least, by actively spending time doing activities together always.

Or should I say almost everyday?lol.

It's been 16days since I met him.

I just do not care?

Or am I just giving him the time for his cousins and spending time with his normal activities he liked to?

I do not know.

We do not even talk.

I really wonder what this 32 months relationship is leading to.

I leave it to God to decide.

Puas hati ini meluahkannya, tapi kalau si lelaki tak memahami maksudnya..apa gunanya..

Cukupkah setakat menghantar dan membalas setiap SMS pada setiap hari untuk membina hubungan yang teguh..

Aku tak pernah sekali minta harta atau hadiah darimu..

Yang ku pinta hanya keperihatinan & kasih sayang darimu..

Aku yakin dengan kejujuran hatimu dan aku bersyukur terhadap itu..

Malangnya, perlu kau tahu bahawa rumah itu tidak akan terbina jika pereka hanya merancang dan yakin dengan projeknya itu sahaja tapi tiada yang membinanya..

Di manakah letaknya kebahagiaan jika tiada yang mahu mengambil tindakan?

you know what i'm going through but all you can say is forget it, things will fall back into place one day..
even if i cry, you have never lend me a shoulder or listen to my last bit of sorrowness..
i'm not a guy mind you, i'm a girl.
and this is the reason why i rather keep things to myself..
cos i feel happier this way..
i know i will not be satisfied in every single way by how you will response when i'm down..
you will not even know if one day i drink down a bottle of poison to clear my mind..
cos you do not even care when i binge on food, stare at the wall and do nothing or cry..
should i say more boyfriend my love?


:(

ohh Allah, forgive me for being such an unappreciative person who only likes to complain about her life all the time. i did tried to appreciate with what i have today.
but at times, i think i just deserve better like what others do.
if this is a test for me in this world, i accept it whole-heartedly and will endure with it for as long as you want me to..
however, i, as weak human, seek help from you to continue giving me strength for me to move on.
all i hope for is a gift from you for me to lead better life in the future, insyaállah..